SISTERS DHARMMADAINNA
& JOTIKA
In your last letter, you asked me that you would like to
know how I came to be interested in practicing awareness
and mindfulness. To write explicitly about my experiences
can be very challenging. Trying to tell you how the tea tasted
will be equally challenging. No matter how well I write,
it will be always be ambiguities for most of the readers.
Especially when trying to explain about a mental sensation
of a person. Anyway, I will try my best by including a short
biography of mine.
I was born into a mine owning family
in the year 1926, in a village near Mergui, which is in
the peninsular in Burma. When I was seven years old, my
grandmother had me ordained as a novice in accordance with
the Burmese customs. I was sent to a Chinese Methodist
school in Rangoon when I was nine. `It was a boarding school
and all of us were under obligations to attend the Sunday
Schools ran by the church. Although I was a born Buddhist
I had never taken the belief seriously, nor was I interested
in Christianity. One good thing I must admit was that we
were never approached by any of our teachers to convert
anyone of us to become a Methodist. When the Second World
War reached the Far East, my education was disrupted by
the Japanese Army’s occupation of
Burma and discontinued even though the war ended in 1945.In
1951 I went abroad to live and work. I returned to Burma
in late 1961.
By the time I left Burma, meditation was getting very popular
and constructions of the centers were popping up all over
Burma. My maternal uncle was a successful miner. He too was
interested in building a meditation center in Mergui. He
and his colleagues with some of his friends got together
to build one. My uncle was not only the original founder,
but also an executive member for procuring building material
and supervising the construction. He put his heart and soul
in this project and neglected his mine.
During my 11 years abroad, I have never
had any communications with my uncle. I learned of his
demise after my return to Mergui. My mother recounted that
although my uncle was doing very well in his mining enterprises,
he began to neglect the mines in favor of the meditation
center. These neglects had taken a heavy toll from his
business and were almost insolvent when he expired. Before
his last breath my mother had to promise him that she would
undertake to settle all his outstanding bills which he
had accrued. My uncle sincerely believed by doing good
deeds, especially in Buddhist religious matters, will gain
a lot of merits, but I couldn’t
figure it out how. I came to that conclusion that there isn't
anything to gain by being so religious. My uncle's misfortune
had kept me away from the monks as well as the monasteries.
Since I got back from the Seychelles, I realized that there
weren't many scopes in business where I could participate
on my own. Every body was busy with their works handed down
by their forefathers and the only opening available was to
work as a contractor to the Government in construction program.
In partnership with a friend, we worked for about two years.
We had to dissolve the partnership1963 because the Government
had terminated awarding further construction contracts. I
went and settled down in Victoria Point, the Southern most
tip of peninsular Burma, a 24 hours boat ride from Mergui,
the land route was, impractical and started a poultry farm
in 1964, and eventually got remarried in 1965. The Government
had nationalized all businesses in 1964 and no trading was
allowed on any local or imported commodities. In late sixties,
the Government released some of the farm products from restrictions
and the people began opening whole sale and retail shops
again. I was one of them. Three years later, the prices of
commodities had jumped and the cost of living began to rise.
Because of this reason the Government had started an operation
to check the raising cost. A lot of businessmen were arrested
all over Burma in the early 70's and I was amongst them incarcerated
in Moulmein Jail. I was released after seven months and was
arrested again a year after that under another operation
Contemplating over the past whenever permits, I recollected
an early experience occurred during the first period of the
custody. That was two years before my encounter with the
monks to open my eyes to Dhamma. I was under detention in
Moulmein jail for about seven months. During those days,
I found an old square nail about four inches long. Patiently,
I sharpened it into a wood chisel. I saved a teak butt from
the kitchen's firewood heap and started to carve a female
figure to pass away the time. Accidentally the chisel slipped
and cut the middle of my left fore finger, severing one of
the small veins. I took some antibiotic and bandaged the
wound. I removed the dressing next morning and found, to
my surprise, that it was still bleeding. I had no alternative
but to let the ward assistant of the prison to attend to
the wound. With the exception of the needle and suture, he
hadn't any local anesthetic or painkiller to offer. While
he was preparing his meager paraphernalia, I was thinking
that he will be piercing the un-damaged skin along the lesion
and the pain from the needle will be inevitable and momentary.
In other word, I accepted the pain as natural phenomenon.
When the stitching started, a friend of mine was holding
my hand t0o give me moral strengths he thought. I could feel
the pain as pain and nothing more. When the job was completed,
I didn't even make a squeak but my friend was anxious and
soaking in sweat. As my mind was calm, I notice that I went
through four different kinds of pain during the stitching.
(1) Piercing the skin inward. (2) Piercing the skin from
inward out. (3) Tying the sutures. (4) Pulling the suture
to trim. Upon reflection, I realized that if one accepted
without discrimination, nature as nature, even though you
are ignorant of the Dhamma one would be free of the defilement.
I
was arrested again a year after the incident under another
operation and to Insein Jail, just outside Rangoon for
one and half months. In this occasion I was charged for
failure to submit monthly returns for the commodities I was
trading.
While I was in custody my sister was
going to England for further studies, told some of her
Dharma friends to look after me if and when I was released.
I got out on bail and I went and met them. In the course
of the conversation, I exclaimed on account of feeling
extremely discouraged that how I wish I could live in Nirvana
for 24 hours a day. U Maung Maung said " Good, let's go ‘. And we piled
into my small Mazda car and drove to a lane with four monasteries
on a hillock. When I saw it, I quickly rephrased that the
Nirvana I mentioned wasn't meant to be religious. What I
meant was that I wanted to live peacefully for 24 hours a
day. But my explanation wasn’t any good to them. In
the end, U Ba Than said" Now that you are already here,
might as well pay a respect to the monk and depart after
a few minutes. That I agreed.
We climbed up the stairways and I was surprised when I saw
the Peacock Monastery. What they called a monastery was no
better than a dilapidated hut. It had rusted corrugated iron
roofing with old bamboo matting for walling. The floorboards
were decaying and one had to be very cautious treading on
it. Heavier set person could fall through easily. There were
three monks in the monastery and one of them was a visiting
monk from a town called Henzada, which is situated at the
to
p of the Irrawaddy Delta. They seem to be very familiar with
the friends who brought me. The visiting monk's name was
U Awthathta who began talking to me after the introduction.
The discussion was the first of its kind in my life and was
totally different from what I expected.
Top
U Awthahta asked, " What do you
think of the monks? "
" Do you want me to give you my candid opinion?
U Awthahta. " Yes, by all means. "
" The monks are no better of than I am, the only difference is that they
shave their heads and put on robes"
U Awthahta continued " Have you
ever practice with mala?”
"Yes, I had."
U Awthahta." Why?"
"Well, when my mother came to visit me in the prison,
she brought me a mala and a religious booklet and requested
me to make use of them. I agreed just to please her.”
U Awthahta." What did you recite with the rosary.”
"The nine virtues of Lord Buddha."
U Awthahta." What was the result?"
"I managed to kill some time. To be honest, merely praising
the Lord Buddha in recitation is just like praising a naughty
son of a wealthy landlord so as to a loan from his father."
U Awthahta gave a big smile and continued "Well, I suppose
you have never been to any of the meditating centers, have
you? Anyway, what is your impression of the meditation
center?"
"As far as I know, a meditation center is situated in
a very quiet locality with all the necessities readily available.
A place to sleep, meals always at hands and complete security.
When you get to a place like this, what more else do you
want to ask for?”
There was laughter all around. My candid
answers seem to amuse all of them. Only after many months
that I realized that Ven.U Awthahta asked me those questions
just to find out how deep was my knowledge and practical
experience of the Dhamma. He continued with some more questions.
After a short break, this time I was question asked by
the younger monk about 40 years old. His name is U Zina
and resides in this monastery. He asked, “Did you see that bird which
was flying there?" pointing towards it and added, "Do
you know in what place is the bird?"
" Of course, it’s in the sky "
Ven.U Zina " I know it’s in the sky, but what I want to know is
in which part of the sky?"
All I could think was that the sky is so vast that I did not know how to answer.
Then U Awthahta interrupted and clapped his hands and said" You heard
the claps, didn't you? Well the noise that you heard, where did the noise come
from?"
I replied" It came from you hands."
Ven.U Awthahta showed me his two hands and " If the noise came from the
hands, you can see my two hands and where is the noise now?"
"The noise was produced when the hands were clapping."
Ven.U Awthahta "I wasn't asking you the cause for producing the noise.
I want to know is where the sound was produced?"
I was bewildered. I couldn't find words to tell them though I was convinced
that I had understood something intuitively. I was uncharacteristically silent,
unable to express myself or form a thought and one friend wanted to help me,
he was stopped by Ven.U Awthahta saying that that it will be better for me
to work it out, and added, " If you tell him, it will only be a knowledge.
Sometimes knowledge kills the direct perception of the truth.”
I sat there with my head drooped and trying very hard to find an answer. By
then Ven. U Zina walked over and sat on the mat opposite me. He had a lighted
cheroot in his hand. He then put it in his mouth and inhaled. When he exhaled,
he nearly blew the smoke into my face and then pointing to the smoke and said, "You
see the smoke here. Now I am going to ask you a question. Just tell me what
you see. No imagination, no idea or any made up story. Where is the smoke appearing
now?"
" It is appearing in the air now."
Ven. U Zina continued " I am afraid your answer is close enough, but not
quite on the mark. Now, where is this air."
" It is in the space."
Ven. U Zina said, " Right you are, the smoke is moving about in space.
The smoke is not everywhere, but space is. It is the space that in which all
the objects exist and move about. We think of this space of no value. In reality
the space, sometimes can be priceless. When you are buying a house or renting
a flat, the first thing you look into is the space available and the price
depends on it. Space must be available so that air planes trains, motor cars
or people have enough room to move about or to maneuver. This is to illustrate
that we have something like this idea of space in our mind and when we perceive,
the perception appears like the smoke in the space. Whenever our minds are
thinking, the space is occupied with that thought and as soon as the thinking
changes, the objects changed but the space remained never change. The space
is like the screen in the movie theatre; the projector will be projecting the
pictures of all subjects onto the screen for hours. All the subjects change
but at the end the screen is never tainted by the projection but remains as
white as ever. We will have the anger, passion, greed, frustration, sadness,
happiness etc. appear in out mind from time to time like a passing show and
when its over, it leaves nothing in our mind. These illustrations are to show
objectively the functions of our minds. You must be able to look into it introspectively,
observe it and learn from it. Accept my discussion and to apply it. You will
get the experience. Our minds are occupied all the time, concentrating on one
thing or the other, including the changes. Whenever the thinking changes, the
last thought has to disappear before the next thought takes its place. For
instance, no one can come and sit on this chair as long as I am sitting on
it. If he wants to, he will have to wait until I have vacated it. The same
applies to the mind.
Rev.U Awthahta recounted an event about
two young novices who were fighting over the bananas given
to them. He was enjoying the fight and after watching them
he shouted, “ The
head monk is coming”. When the novices heard what he
said, they stopped the fight and ran away immediately without
bothering to turn and look. The reason being that they are
afraid of the head monk who could punish them. The moment
they heard me, their thoughts were directed to what I said.
By doing so, the original thought of anger had disappeared.
The thought after that interruption was “ the fear
of being punished “ which had stopped their fight You
will notice that the interruption was created by me, the
third person, to remind them of grave consequence if they
continue to fight.
He continued “ Supposing you were
at home all by yourself after a very tiring day, you were
trying to solve a very big problem. You began to get worried
and were emotionally carried away. You started to get angry,
and frustrated. In that case, how are you going to pacify
yourself? Being alone, there isn't any second or third
person to warn you or to interrupt your thoughts. What
are you going to do about it? How are you going to calm
that situation? “
I simply could not answer his question.
He said, “ This
is where the mindfulness comes in. When you are aware that
you are emotionally upset; please be mindful that you have
been thinking. If you do that, whatever the last thought
may be, will disappeared and the next thought will manifest
in its place. See this cup. There is tea in it. What can
you put into this cup that is full? You have to empty it
first before you put any other thing in. You empty the cup
by throwing the contents, but with your mind, you empty it
by being aware or mindful of the thought of the moment.”
After a short break, U Awthahta began
to explain to me about the Four Noble Truths. In doing
so, he used some Pali quotations, which I couldn’t understand. I interrupted him and
said “I admired your patience and compassion towards
me, but if I have to learn Pali so as to enable me to study
Buddhism, I am afraid I have to give up now. Because at my
age, I'm too old to learn anything academically.” From
then on, he used Burmese throughout the afternoon. He also
said in the Scriptures, not only the monks were enlightened,
but also the laymen. I asked him “ If a normal person
can be enlightened, there is no need for you to be wearing
that robe?” He replied “I had been wearing this
robe for more than forty years. If I disrobe now, I don’t
think I know how to survive in this world. I don’t
think I can earn enough to live a decent life.” I was
very impressed by the remarkable openness and lack of priestly
air of the monks. I felt that they must have something extraordinary
in Dhamma to free from defensiveness and pretense.
Top
My intention was to spend about fifteen
minutes at the monastery, but the conversation became very
interesting that when I left, only then I realized that
I had spent about six hours. All the time I was at the
monastery, I could comprehend all the discussions that
were going on. However, whenever I had some opportunity
to review the dialogue again, I could not grasp intellectually
what we had discussed. I could not regain the special clarity
I felt during the dialogues. Although I appreciate the
talks, in reality I knew the talks were referring to my
mind, my inner self, and introspection but I simply hadn’t had a clue as to how to proceed, how
to develop my mind. Unable to quench the thirst, I started
to go through books on Buddhism, in English as well as in
Burmese. One day, before I return to Victoria Point, I went
to Rev. U Eindasara and asked for advice as to the best book
on Buddhist literature. His answer was “ The best book
on Buddhist authority is the book that is not written yet.” I
left empty-handed but I had the best book.
They awakened in me an unquenchable thirst to comprehend
the essence of Dharma, return to the Peacock Monastery again
and again with my friends. A lot of questions were asked
and the monks gave many clarifications, yet I failed to look
introspectively to appreciate it. At last I persuaded my
friends to go round Rangoon searching for any learned monks
or people. One day, we met an ex-monk, called U. Ba Thaung
(U Pandita) on the precinct of the Shwedagon Pagoda. He was
also an acquaintance of my friends and was preaching to a
group of laymen. He was one of the monks, follower of a well-known
Sayadaw, and was one of the residents at the Peacock Monastery.
He was a good orator and as far as the discourses were concern,
I found him to be very logic and easy to understand. He had
his good point but on the other hand he loves to drink. In
a country like Burma, as far as the religious matters are
concern, alcohol is tabooed.
U Ba Thaung hadn’t any permanent
place to give his talk on Sundays; we approached a group
of interested people and started a place to meet regularly
on Sundays. In so doing it gave him a location to address
the people and at the same time, we could listen to his
talks. The questions and answers normally followed the
talks. Usually people were very keen as the talks were
in plain Burmese and they had the opportunity to come forward
to have doubts explained without any hesitation. This Sunday
gathering became a habit for me.
In 1974, about one month after my first visit to the Peacock
Monastery, I had to go to a town, Insein, nine miles north
of Rangoon on business. I was driving a small Mazda Car.
Travelling from north to south on a very straight road. That
was on a hot day in February afternoon and all by myself.
When I reach the front of the Rangoon Institute of Technology,
having no one to talk to, my mind started to wander and I
began to notice the heat on me. The heat was caused by the
sun, which was shone on me through the car window to my right
shoulder and arm. I was beginning to feel very uncomfortable
and despising the sun more and more. The more I hated the
sun; I felt the sensation of the heat became more intense.
My unruly thoughts were wandering and drifting away. I was
thinking of what had I done in my previous life that I have
to suffer so much under this torturous sun. The more I thought
of the coolness, the worst I became. The sensation of the
heat was so heightened that my only thought was to get away
from this blazing sun. It aggravated me beyond endurance.
In one shocking moment, my sequence of thoughts was abruptly
interrupted. My hatred for the heat had vanished as though
the heavy burden I was shouldering had been spontaneously
dislodged in a flash. It was an astonishing experience for
which I couldn’t find the word to describe. The anger,
craving, frustration and irritation disappeared and its stead
was the transcendental manifestation of equanimity. It was
a fleeting experience. It disappeared as soon as I was aware
of its manifestation. The following thought was what I said
to myself “What else can you expect if you are sitting
under the sun.” From then on, for example, that heats
of the sun I nature and I relaxed instead of fighting against
the sun.
I was smiling to myself for the rest
of the way home. I was welling up with delight in a way
I never had before in my life. In fact I was very excited
when I reach home. When my mother saw me walking into the
house, she asked, “You
look so happy and why are you smiling?” To that, I
replied that it took me more than fifty years to realize
that sitting under the sun is hot. She looked at me in surprise
and remarked “Don’t be silly and talk stupid
to me.” All I could do was walked on blissfully.
I was so intrigue with my experience
that I was thinking about it whenever I had an opportunity.
I had returned to the Peacock Monastery to relate my experience
with the sun to the monks. Nobody would give me an answer
that it had some connection with his r Dharma teachings.
I knew it happened to me and I felt it, but I simply can’t name the experiment
appropriately. Their silence had prodded me find the answer
in the Buddhist literatures. This fantastic experience again
urged me to describe in details to my friends and received “ Hmm “ for
an answer. I even approached my sister, who was well acquainted
in this field. The response was the same. . This made me
read more and attended more discussion groups on Buddhism.
At times I was tempted to doubt the significant of it. In
one occasion, Realizing that Ven.U Awthahta once said to
me to go and read “ the book, which has not yet been
written”, I began to look introspectively. It took
me sometime before I realized that “ the Truth “ couldn't
be found by mere reading but from experiencing only. I also
realized that the experience I had with the sun or any other
experiences could be correctly expressed for anyone to appreciate.
Like the taste of a good cup of coffee cannot be expressed
to enable another person to know the taste.
Then on one monsoon
day, I was travelling to Victoria point on ship m.v. Aungzeya,
anchored in a sheltered bay, waiting for the tide, amongst
the Mergui Archipelago islands. I overheard the fellow
passengers recounting their previous travelling experiences.
This time of the year, the crossing can be rough the deck
awashed with baggage and being thrown around. Sometimes the
decks were covered with fruits rolling in every direction
and all you had to do was to just pick it up and not one
can claim the ownership. I had a fear to face these situations
and was worried. When I realized it would be sometime yet
before the actual crossing. I went off to sleep and when
I woke up she was steaming into the harbor, in Victoria Point.
This occurrence had opened my eyes to pay more attention
to the nature of the moment.
From then on I was a great believer of the saying “ All
that we are is the result of what we have thought” and
practice accordingly.
In another occasion, I was travelling to my
coconut estate on a passenger bus. This was the only bus
that plies that route and was crowded in the bus as well
as on the roof. I was among those on the roof. Being the
only bus, it will stop whenever people on the road flag it
down or passenger request made for disembarkation. The stoppages
took sometime. Amongst the roof top riders, we had some local
fishermen who worked under the blazing sun day in day out,
couldn't tolerate the heat, and was loudly complaining to
the driver. As for me, through my experience, I had accepted
the fact that sun produces heat said nothing and was reading
a book but was sweating profusely. This had opened my eyes
and comprehended to accept things as they are and will be
free of defilements. If in case you add any idea or discrimination
over the things instead of leaving them as they are, then
you will be shouting over your head like that fisherman.
About
one year after the episode with the sun, my friends and
I went to Henzada, about 75 miles north of Rangoon, to visit
Ven. U Awthahta. The day after our arrival happened to
be a Sabbath day and there were about 70 people who had accepted
the eight precepts and abstaining from eating from noon
till dawn. It is customary for the head of the monastery
to give a discourse after midday meal. In this occasion,
three least experienced laymen were requested to come forward
to give a discourse on Dhamma and I happened to be one of
them. I had never given a discourse before and having the
Sayadaw, I said to myself that in case I happen to be in
a fixed, I am sure he would help me out. With no time available
to prepare, I decided to relate my episode with the sun as
an example to show the Four Noble Truths. It went something
like this about the heat.
The feeling very annoyed agitated, angry and frustration
was the First Noble Truth of Suffering. Wanting to get
rid of the sun and longing for the coolness were the Second
Noble Truth of the Cause of Suffering. The awareness of
the heat as natural phenomenon and without any idea or
discrimination, a mere perception was the right understanding
of the Fourth Noble Eightfold Path of Cessation of Suffering
The transient moment between the agony and realization
of the natural phenomenon as the Third Noble Truth of cessation
of Suffering. I made it really a very short sermon and
sat down. I was wondering if he would correct me but neither
he nor my friends made any comment about the way I analyze
my experience to fit in with the Four Noble Truths. But
I was convinced that the sun episode must had some affiliation
to the Dhamma and continued my search for an answer.
Top
I had collected quite a number of books
on Buddhism, which were mostly commentaries based on
the original scriptures or another writers’ commentaries. But I had the sun
episode to compare with and found some of them rather difficult
to fit in. This made me think about the “ the un-written
book “ which Ven.U Aindasara suggested about a year
ago. Only then I realized that the answer I was looking for
was within me and was happening in me all the time. The first
time I watched myself introspectively was when I was having
my dinner. Although the whole family was having their meals
at the same table without any complain I was the one who
dislike the fish curry. I was the one person who dislikes
the fish, but then the dislike wasn’t in the fish.
It must be me. I tried hard to find the dislike and eventually
I began to understand that there wasn’t any like
or dislike in the fish. It was in me that compare the taste
of the fish with something of the past. The desire to have
a good taste had made me hate the fish. When you want something,
it must be something out of your reach. When you look at
the fish without any discrimination, then you will have
no other choice; the fish will taste like a piece of fish
and nothing else. This is the law of nature and it will
favor no one. And this is how I learned from the book that
is not yet written.
From my experiences and knowledge acquired,
I had been able to form my own opinion regards practicing
meditation, awareness and mindfulness. I became well acquainted
with the practice on mindfulness and began to see the process
of the mind. It was during the day of judgement relevant
to my trial soon after my return from Henzeda. I was well
aware that my case was an open and shut case. I was sure
that the case would be acquitted. When the bench clerk
called my case, My whole body shook and I was unable to
breathe properly. It was caused by the fear of losing the
case and being sent to prison. What I did then was to look
into myself mindfully and be aware of my condition. The
moment I was aware of the fearful thought, the fear disappeared
instantly. After a short while, it happened again and I
repeated the mindfulness again and I had the same effect.
It went on until the court read out the judgement that
I was acquitted. If I hadn't use my mindfulness, I couldn't
imagine how my fear would create in me. From this experience,
I got the opportunity to recollect my memories and study
the cause and effect that created fear. And without cause,
there will be no fear. I can appreciate the the first verse
of the Dhammapada " What you are is the result
of what you have thought"
In Buddhism, there is the word Avijja
being mentioned and the meaning given was “ not knowing the Four Noble
Truths” and I couldn’t grasp the idea and apply
within me. It took me until 1981 when my father expired in
Rangoon. My mother chartered a small plane to fly the remains
to Mergui for entombment. Due to the bad weather, our departure
was postponed. We returned with the remains and to put it
back in the mortuary in the Western Hospital. The coffin
was put in front of the mortuary door waited for it to open.
When it was opened, I saw two female corpses lay on the slabs.
As I was bending down to lift the coffin I thought to myself
that how could I leave my father with the complete strangers
in the same room for the night. The two corpses were the
truth that I saw, but then I happened to add ideas to what
I actually saw. See how my subsequent thoughts were distorted.
This is the result of Avijja, not knowing the truth of the
law of nature. I was lucky that I had an experience first
then studying Buddhist literatures later. It was much easier
to find a name for action of my experience than to cling
to the name first and than start looking for an action to
fit in with the name. Going back to those days when I started
to search for the truth, I had an idea that almost everyone
was practicing the Vippassana meditation but I was influenced
by the idea of effortless effort. I was delighted with this
idea and I began to wane on this practice. After about five
years later, this concept of no need to meditate had changed.
It can very good for those whose intellectual levels are
low. With that idea, I started to practice meditation but
not at the meditation center. I did it whenever I am free
to do so. Such as when riding on a bus, sitting alone and
so fort. I had no fixed time, period or frequency. My concept
of meditation was to find the cause, that develops the effect
and to find the absence of cause that will result in no effect.
Let me take the matter of death. When one of your very close
friend or relative dies, you will be very sorry about it.
If one of the people you hated very much dies, you will be
pleased. This is how a normal person will see towards death.
That is based on the likes and dislike. Actually there are
three ways of looking at it. The third way of looking is
when someone who is a complete stranger to you dies, you
will not feel it at all. There are likes, dislikes and another
one beyond likes and dislike. If we use all the three ways
to look into our daily life, you will realize one of the
aspects of looking is causing the emotion. By then the concept
will have an opportunity to change for the better.
Since then, I had gained a lot of practice
on mindfulness and with it, I had learned a lot about nature
and its mysteriousness. I had learned to live, to live
freely, a manner, which I had never thought I could possibly
achieve. Although I am still a layman I had accepted the
fact that it is much easier to tell the truth than to tell
lies to ourselves. It is also easier for me not to condemn
so that I don't have to forgive. I know that it is me who
created all my defilements therefore I don't have to go
round and search the culprits. I realized that apart from
myself, those surrounded me are nature. After all, nature
is something you cannot corrupt, persuade, threaten, avoid,
escape, buy or sell, but to accept it " AS IS
''
After the incident with the sun, I didn't experience anything
like that again. I used to use the experience as an objective
guideline to analyze the subsequent thoughts. No doubt my
main belief was then on nature, an accepting nature as nature
is, without adulterating with our ideas, is a means to equanimity.
These experiences made me find the right equivalent with
the dhamma. That's why I was disappointed when no comment
was made of my sermon at Henzeda. I wanted them to convince
me upon my sermon either its according to dhamma or otherwise.
After studying the books, I began to see the similarity
of my experiences to some discourses in the book. Like the
mindfulness achieved at the judgement to padesasamupada,
the meal of fish and the sun with the Four Noble Truth. These
eventually led me to see the principles of abbiddhama, the
five aggregates, etc. The realization of anatta was something
unique. While I was painting an oil portrait. I needed some
colors and I had to mix them. I knew what and how to0 mix
but the result was either too light or dark. I was beginning
to get frustrated and all of a sudden I realized that I must
have the right proportion of the paint concern for my choice
of color required. Any out of proportion in the mixture will
produce accordingly and this production is the act of nature.
Then I realized that nature cannot be governed or persuaded
is anatta.
I learn from the experiences and it taught me to observe
and accept the nature. Nature is the dhamma. Learning how
to live with the dhamma is the means to tranquility, equanimity
and peace.
During my younger days, the aches and pain, the disability
and discomfort
Suffered by the aged person men nothing to me. I was very
energetic up to 69 years of age. I had gouty arthritis twenty
years ago and now I have cervical and lumbar spandolosous,
which I had to bear every moment of my life. The pain, when
it appears, restricted my mobility and getting out of bed
needed an effort. Sitting on the floor to meditate is even
worst. These pains slowing down my movements are a blessing
in disguise. It reminds me to accept myself as myself is
and adjustments made appropriately when needed. For this
I have learned
To live with the pains, befriend with the discomfort and
stopped wishing. By so doing I am meditating the dhamma.
I had a lot of other experiences that
I will not mention for they were of minor importance. What
I really had in mind was to show my family the means to
practice the awareness and mindfulness but of no avail.
Gwen, my dearest wife, was more interested worshipping
traditionally such as offering food to the monks, praying
with rosary, listening to tape recordings and reading Thai
books on Buddhism. As for my three daughters, they were
very young then and spoon feeding at the age of early twenties,
were more interested in modern amenities and music. My
relatives or friends were far too busy in making a quick
buck. To them the religious training was a sheer waste
of time and never thought much about my achievements. I
approached them in many occasions and I was shown politely
of their disinterested manners. For those religious persons
I met, they were more interested in the book knowledge
and famous Sanghas. They too avoided me for whatever I
said, to them it wasn’t according to the
Scriptures and my failure to quote in Pali Language was another
disadvantage. Their negative attitude was never a problem.
For I had the personal experiences that were very helpful
for me to live in harmony with my immediate family and neighbors.
I had learned a lot about nature and it’s mysteries.
I had learned to live freely, a manner I never thought I
could possibly achieve. My only wish in life is that my three
daughters will consider reading this article seriously, better
still is to practice it.
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